Intentionality 101

On teaching people how to love you

Often times, we see a social media post showing someone going all out for their friend or partner, only to think, ‘Awwwn, this is so thoughtful.’ Many of us have been there. Most people often conclude that intentionality and romance can't be taught - "if e didn't dey, e didn't dey." But I disagree

.

I think I have gotten to a point in life where I think otherwise. Agreeably, some certain individuals are inherently intentional; being intentional comes easy to them, and I have experienced it firsthand.

However, there are also some individuals who need to learn how to be intentional, but the fundamental question is, are they willing to learn? And the other clause is, are you ready to give them the grace to learn?

Intentionality is about being deliberate, purposeful, and conscious in our actions, decisions, or relationships. It requires effort, commitment, and a willingness to understand and meet the needs of others.

While some people may naturally be more intentional, it is also a skill that can be learned and cultivated through practice, self-reflection, and guidance.

I know it can be difficult trying to teach people how to love you, because you naturally expect them to know how. And when they fall short of this, you get disappointed.

Speaking from experience, teaching people how to love you isn’t the easiest thing to do, and telling people who love you that you don’t feel loved by them isn’t the most pleasant conversation to have, but it's an important one to have in relationships when the need arises.

If the fellow's lack of intentionality stems from a place of obliviousness and uninformedness, rather than apathy and laid-backness, I think it’s only right to extend grace to the people we love.

I had a friend in Uni who also doubled as a roommate; she loves me, and I love her so much. We were friends before we became roommates, but after we became roommates, a series of events happened that made me feel unloved by her. It wasn’t a question of if she loves me; it was a question of how she expressed it.

Her love for me was undisputed, but it was how she showed it that raised concern. Someone loving you and you feeling loved by them are two different things, and it can hurt if they don’t simultaneously coexist.

The truth is, I dreaded the conversation because I was scared of sounding pathetic. How do you tell someone you don’t feel loved by them without sounding like a mess?

But I knew I had to express my feelings. I sent her a detailed message explaining how I felt, and we later had an uncomfortable conversation in person. I could remember adding these words: "I think the lines have blurred, and now you treat me as a roommate and not a friend. There are certain things I expected from you as a friend, but your actions only show you care about me as a roommate."

During the conversation, I was faced with my shortcomings as a friend, too. According to her, being my friend from afar and living together exposed some part of me that was hidden from her. She was helpless and clueless on how to act because I was guarded and evasive, so oftentimes she felt I didn’t trust her enough to share my burdens. Her lack of proactiveness isn’t because she’s unconcerned; it’s because she’s so concerned, but she’s often met with a hardened heart.

The conversation changed the whole dynamic of our relationship because we both communicated our expectations and how we wanted to be loved. It’s been three years since we had that conversation, and she’s still one of the most intentional people in my life today. This worked because she was willing to learn, and I was willing to extend grace for her to learn or be taught.

This experience taught me that intentionality can be learned, but it requires effort and commitment.

The first question you need to ask yourself and be sure of the answer is, "Do they love you?" Love is an action word, and if they are not committed to showing you that they love you, it is pointless trying to teach them how to. However, if the issue is how they show their love, that's where the conversation comes in.

Some people know how to love but need to learn how to love others in ways that matter to them. This requires asking questions, researching, paying attention, and constant communication. Intentionality is a deliberate act that requires effort. Learning to love others in ways that matter to them is a continuous process. We should be open to learning and growing in our relationships.

Just as we learn how to do certain things so we can excel in them, people also learn how to love us because we are willing to teach them. We communicate what matters to us and how we feel loved and cherished.

You can guide others in loving you effectively by openly sharing your needs, modeling the behavior you desire, and being intentional in your own actions.

By extending grace and patience to your loved ones, you create space for them to learn, grow, and redeem their shortcomings.

Do you think intentionality can be taught or learned? I'd love to hear from you.